TMI

WARNING! This post will contain female information. Read at your own risk.

I debated about putting this in writing as I know there is a wide variety of readers and some probably don't really care about the in's and out's of our "personal life". But I also felt hypocritical if someday in the future we were to announce we were expecting baby #2 and everybody would just assume that everything works like clockwork in our house. Well, I'm here to tell you, it doesn't. Many of you know that we tried to conceive for over 2 years before we decided to visit a Reproductive Endocrinologist (RE) in 2006. I was one of the "lucky" ones with unexplained infertility - no apparent reason for not being able to reproduce on our own. We went through a LOT of tests (and when I say we, I mean Jon had one small, completely noninvasive test and I had about 14 that all SUCKED!) One was most possibly the worst test I have ever had to go through and that includes the recovery after a c-section and not being able to swing your legs over the side of the bed without gasping for breath and thinking you were tearing your innards out. It was that bad. We WERE one of the fortunate ones though, because during our very first round of medications to stimulate ovulation, we were able to conceive! And it was twins (which apparently was less than a 5% chance), so we were on top of the world.

And then our world crashed when we lost our baby girl, Maren. It's taking a long time to heal - some days/weeks/months better than others. I still have a very hard time thinking about what went wrong and why it had to happen. I heard a story at church, about a woman who became severely disabled and when the minister asked her if she ever wondered "why me?", she answered "if not me, then who?". I have never forgotten that sermon because I think about that quite a bit - of course I wonder why me, but then I think about that and wonder who I would wish that upon and I can't find a soul. So while I still think it sucks and I wish it hadn't happened, I am a believer in things happening for a reason. I hope I'll know that reason one day, but probably will not and I just have to have faith that God thought I would handle it best. There are days that I think he is completely out of his mind, I have to tell you.

So, it's been 2 1/2 years since that day and we are back in the same boat of infertility. I really wasn't emotionally ready to try again for a long time and I'm still not 100% sure today. The only thing I know for sure, is that I would like Gavin to experience the joy (and pain) of having a sibling. If you know me and my sister, I am sure you know what I mean. I wouldn't trade her for anything in the world and yet she's the person who can get under my skin the quickest. But at least I have her to remember my stories and remind me of family events and she's the person I can share my life with and who will still accept me - just because I'm her sister and she knows my history.

I'm also old. The RE told me that the chance for miscarriage greatly increases once you reach the age of 38. One year, 2 months and 2 days until that lucky day. So even though I would like to still give my heart time to heal, I realize that time is not on my side. We have started seeing the RE again this year due to the lack of creation in the past year. It has been a really hard decision as my fears are enormous and my comfort level with pregnancy in general is not very high. Like a 1 on a scale of 10. Not even for others - I always imagine the worst when someone tells me they're pregnant. I can't help it. I don't share my fears with them, but they're always there. So you can guess how fearful I am to go through another pregnancy. We shared out fears with the RE and we're doing different medications this time and have eliminated the ones that carry the greatest risk of multiples. Unfortunately, he also semi-diagnosed me with PCOS - I don't have ALL the classic signs, but I have a tendency to lean that way (I've always wondered why I can braid my arm hair! Kidding. I wax it now.). Which, he says, may have explained the twins on the first go round. AND, makes me at greater risk for multiples with any infertility treatment. The only one he could guarantee is if we did IVF and only implanted one embryo and even that has the ability to split on it's own. I really don't want to go the IVF route right now - it's invasive and hard and not guaranteed to work either. So, I now know the number and size of my follicles each month and the level of estradiol in my body and what is considered optimal. Sexy, eh? I'm not going to post all the updates on that stuff because I think it's boring and depressing so I can't imagine that any of you would find it any different.

Sorry for the post without pictures, but really just wanted you all to be on the same page as us. I am starting to get the "Are you going to try for more?" question so I thought I would address it head on this time. I know this stuff is still somewhat kept on the DL with most folks, but I can't really put that smile on my face this time and say something positive like "maybe someday". It may be someday, and hopefully we'll be just as lucky this time around and one day I'll post glad tidings. Until then, keep us in your prayers.