Maren's Day

Today on my calendar there is a note. Maren's Day. Three years ago today we got the sad news that we would never get to know one of our twins, our baby girl. Three years ago today she didn't have a name. We were waiting to see what they both were and were trying to decide what to name them. And then all the names you picked out don't seem right, they just don't fit someone who will never open her eyes. She needed a name with meaning. One of the things I think about is how if she had lived, her name probably wouldn't have been Maren. And I LOVE the name Maren - I really don't know what other name we could have possibly chose that I would have liked more. I have "met" three other Maren's and all have made me sad just a little because it always makes me think about "what could have been". The first time I heard someone with her name, it was from a High School classmate who I randomly ran into on a plane and she mentioned her 18 month old daughter, Maryn. We both cried over the story on that one. I should have asked to see her picture, but I didn't. The 2nd time was at Target and the check out girl had a name tag that said Maren. I didn't tell her, but I couldn't help but stare at her name tag. And the last time was just this summer and there was an adorable baby on our flight back from Dallas and it so happened that one of my friends rode on the same shuttle bus with her once we landed…and her name was Maren. I'll tell you now what I told my friend when she shared that with me - it's a good name.

My best friend Kim called me tonight to chat and we were talking about how it has gotten "easier" in the past 3 years. When Gavin was a baby, I used to wonder when he cried in the middle of the night if he was missing his womb mate. We talk about Maren with him, but only in abstract, like a special pillow we have that plays music is Maren's pillow. Things like that. And of course her pink urn is still in Gavin's room with the little wooden angel on top. Now I think about her more when Gavin is doing something sweet, or if I see boy and girl twins that are close to Gavin's age, or if I read about other families that are suffering loss. It still hurts, and I don't expect it not to, I'm just glad it's not all consuming as it once was, when I couldn't even say her name without crying.

Thanks for remembering her with me. Maren…the one we longed for.